My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
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hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.