Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Thanks to a fan for this one.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

Ummm

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.