Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

🙅🏻

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?