My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
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6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The Weeknd is back
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.