Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.