Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

😩😩😩

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.