Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

I am HOWLING at this

as the prophecy foretold

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today