Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

I see your IQ test came back negative

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

(2022)

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.