My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.