Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify