Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night