My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Imma just leave this here…………
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Friday
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?