My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
You Might Also Like
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.