My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.