My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night