Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

she has a point

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.