My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You Might Also Like
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
*cough*
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival