My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
*me flirting
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
August 8
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*