My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
The government even made aliens boring
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫