My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake