My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
want me to check your oil?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.