My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
she has a point
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
