Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0