Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

car not found

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.