My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake