My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Weirdly Wednesday.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.