My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.