Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

I know this now 😂

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?