Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

You better watch out

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.