Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie