Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!