Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.