My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
WHY would you be happy about this?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊