My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
What personal space?
My dog
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you