Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”