My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.