My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Guantanamo Bae
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.