Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Super Hand Dog Face

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.