My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Beauty and the Beast
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body