My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Wikigenius
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.