My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
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Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Strangers have the best candy.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.