My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’d … I’d rather not.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
me opening up to someone
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
