My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
