My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My work here is done
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
this is how life feels
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
