My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”