My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.