My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.