My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Pigeon open mic night.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
O Wise One….
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.