My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
