My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Saturday
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The best plant holders?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
being a writer on Twitter:
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.