My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse