My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Autocorrect completely socks
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now