My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
You Might Also Like
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Peter Parker Peter Driver
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro