My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When someone trying to leave me
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Worst bar ever.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]