My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
No way!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.