My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.