My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You Might Also Like
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder