Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Good morning.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.