My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
