My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
