Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Soo_Scandalouss

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

@Darlainky

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.

@WowSuchDoge

Wow
So lion
Much rawr
Very majesty

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

@wildethingy

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

@rachelle_mandik

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.