@theshamingofjay
Life’s a piano and I’m wearing boxing gloves
@velweb
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
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@theshamingofjay
@longwall26
A doorbell that whispers “hide.”
@MumInBits
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
@ArfMeasures
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
@KalvinMacleod
Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.
@AphroditeAfter5
No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes
@ShootyDoody
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
@leechee420
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
@TheAlexNevil
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
@BritishNicx
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.