My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I can fix him.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.