My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Limited budget
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
