My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.