Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance