Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.