My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
do what now??
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no