My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best