Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers