Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

sigh

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

nice challenge

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis