My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
When news reporters do sports stories
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*