My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I get distracted pretty eas
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited