My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
