Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Don’t touch that.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.