My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
☠️ ☠️
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…