My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
me hooking up with my ex
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Oceanography is all about current events
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)