My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
